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"There is no after to happiness. Happiness is now !" - Jeffery Gitomer

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Finding and Keeping A Life Partner


Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!



If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love"; I believe this is the # 1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound "not politically correct", there's a profound truth here.
 


Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone"; You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?



Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2)you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!
Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?



This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished"; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.



QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?



A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right ";. So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.



QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?



Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve"; them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you didn't do your homework.



Another perspective...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.  

Pay attention...Which ones lift and which ones lean?

Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?



Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?



The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye"; Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation take the lead.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Jeffrey Gitomer - On choosing happiness. What’s your choice?

On choosing happiness. What’s your choice?  

- By Jeffrey Gitomer (@gitomer)



After is a self-defeating word. It robs you of the present, and resigns you to wait without taking any action. 

You convince yourself that life will be better "after"  something: After you get a new job, after you get a better job, after you get more money, after you get out of debt, after the economy rebounds, after your stocks go back up, after you get that big order. 

You convince yourself that life will be better "after"  an event: After you get married, after you have a baby, after you get a new house, after you take a vacation, after you come back from vacation, after summer is over, or some other action-procrastinating “after.” 

Are you frustrated that the kids aren't old enough, and believe you'll be more content after they’re in high school or out of high school? Are you frustrated that you have teenagers to deal with? You will certainly be happy after they’re out of that stage. Certainly you’ll be happier after they’re in college, or is it out of college? 

You tell yourself that your life will be more complete when your spouse gets his or her act together, when you get a nicer car, a new house, a raise in pay, a new boss, or worse, after you retire. 
The truth is, the fact is, the reality is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. 

If not now, when? After the economy gets better? 

You may not be able to wait that long. 

Your life will always be filled with challenges, barriers, and disappointments. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Alfred Souza said, “For a long, long time it had seemed to me that I was about to begin real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.” 
There is no way  to happiness. Happiness is the way. 

There is no after  to happiness. Happiness is now. 

Here’s the answer: It’s inside your head FIRST and every place else second. Happiness is a treasure. Your (missed) opportunity is to treasure every moment that you have. 

Stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until after you quit smoking, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get your new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until the first or the fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you win the lottery, or until the cows come home to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy. 
And treasure the happiness of now more because you share it with someone special enough to invest your time in... 
Happiness is: 
Not a sale or a commission. 
Not an economy or a budget. 
Not a yes or a no. 
Not a game winning hit or a last second touchdown. 

Happiness is a way of life that is inside you at all times. It helps you get over the tough times, and helps you celebrate the special times. 

Seems pretty simple to define on paper, but real difficult to manifest when the chips are down. My experience has taught me the difference between "resign" and "resolve". You can resign yourself to what is, and hope or wait for a better day. Or you can resolve that you are a positive person who finds the good, the positive, the happiness, the smile, and especially the opportunity in everything. 
Happiness is now, not a goal or a destination. It’s not an after, it’s a before. And it’s up to you. All you have to do is: decide.

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I could not have found better words / an article to express my attitude towards life and happiness. Life is here and now, make the most of it ! It is alright to be down and out at times but make sure you always bounce back with greater vigour !

- ND

with every goodbye, you learn ...


"....After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand & changing a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning & company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts & presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up & your eyes ahead... & you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans & futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. So you plant your own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong & that you really do have worth... and with every goodbye, you learn..."

Monday, March 18, 2013

Time and Tide ... wait for none ...

Each of us has a bank. Its name is Time. Every morning it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night writes off as lost whatever of this you have failed to invest in good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.



To realise the value of one year, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realise the value of one month ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realise the value of one week as the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realise the value of one hour ask lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realise the value of one second ask a person who avoided an accident.
To realise the value of one millisecond ask the sports-person who won a silver medal.


Thursday, March 14, 2013

Questions to set you free !! Really ???


These questions have no right or wrong answers.
Because sometimes asking the right questions itself is the answer.
(Best if you read a few each day ... in case it seems overwhelming all at once !!)


Which is worse, failing or never trying?

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back?

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

What are you most grateful for?

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

Has your greatest fear ever come true?

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?

What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

If not now, then when?

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit  call today ? What are you waiting for ?

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

Whom do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?

Decisions are being made right now. The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?




To all my girlfriends !!



A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter. Don't forget your girlfriends, she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you’ll have, you are still going to need girlfriends. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them. And remember that ‘girlfriends’ are not only your friends, but your sisters, your daughters, and other relatives too. You'll need other women. Women always do.  What a funny piece of advice, the young woman thought. Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake, a grownup, not a young girl who needs girlfriends!  Surely my husband and the family we'll start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!' But she listened to her Mother; she kept contact with her girlfriends and made more each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, girlfriends are the mainstays of her life.

Girlfriends bring you curry when you need help.

Girlfriends give advice when you ask for it. Sometimes you take it, sometimes you don't. 

Girlfriends don't always tell you that you're right, but they're usually honest.

Girlfriends still love you, even when they don't agree with your choices.

Girlfriends laugh with you, and you don't need canned jokes to start the laughter.

Girlfriends pull you out of jams.

Girlfriends help you get out of bad relationships.

Girlfriends help you look for a new apartment, help you pack, and help you move.

Girlfriends will give a party for your son or daughter when they get married or have a baby, in whichever order that comes!

Girlfriends are there for you, in an instant and when the hard times come.

Girlfriends listen when you lose a job or a friend.

Girlfriends listen when your children break your heart.

Girlfriends listen when your parents minds and bodies fail.

Girlfriends support you when the men in your life let you down.

Girlfriends help you pick up the pieces when men pack up and go.

Girlfriends rejoice at what makes you happy, and are ready to go out and kill what makes you unhappy.


Times passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up. Love waxes and wanes. Hearts break. Careers end. Jobs come and go. Colleagues forget favours. Men don't call when they say they will.  BUT girlfriends are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.

Celebrate the Elegance of Womanhood !

                To ALL you beautiful women and to all the men who respect them !!



You can feel her love -
in the blessings of a grandmother,
in the divinity of a mother,
in the care of a sister,
in the warmth of a friend,
in the passion of a beloved,
in the dedication of a wife!
She is So Tough yet so Tender
So Naughty, So Charming, So Sharing, So Caring
She is a Woman !

                                               

                                               The Beauty of a Woman


The beauty of a women is not in
The clothes she wears
The figure she carries
Or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman
Must be seen from her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman
Is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman
Is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows,
The beauty of a woman
With passing years-only grows.



Stop and Hear the Music !


In Washington , DC , at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After about 3 minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule. 

About 4 minutes later: 
The violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk. 

At 6 minutes: 
A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again. 

At 10 minutes:
A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent - without exception - forced their children to move on quickly.

At 45 minutes:
The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

After 1 hour: 
He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded. There was no recognition at all. 

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theatre in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.



This is a true story. Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organised by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities. 

This experiment raised several questions: 
  • In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty? 
  • If so, do we stop to appreciate it? 
  • Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?
Worth pondering on this !


Life's Like That !! Enjoy .....



GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED


No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister/brother hits you, don't hit them back. They always catch the second person. 

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap. 


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED




Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

Wrinkles don't hurt.

Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 

When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 

 It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. 


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

1) You believe in Santa Claus. 
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus. 


 

Triple Filter Test !!


In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. 

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" 

Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.

"Triple filter?" 

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" 

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..." 

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" 

"No, on the contrary..." 

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" 

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. 

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though,because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" 

"No, not really..." 

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why telling it to me at all?" 

A letter from a father !


I am writing this to you because of 3 reasons:

1. Life, fortune and mishaps are unpredictable; nobody knows how long he lives. Some words are better said early.
2. I am your father, and if I don't tell you these, no one else will.
3. What is written is from experiences (personal and others) that perhaps could save you a lot of unnecessary heartaches?

Remember the following as you go through life:

1. Do not bear grudge towards those who are not good to you. No one has the responsibility of treating you well, except your mother and I. To those who are good to you, you have to treasure it and be thankful, and ALSO you have to be cautious, because, everyone has a motive for every move. When a person is good to you, it does not mean he really likes you. You have to be careful; don't hastily regard him as a real friend.

2. No one is indispensable, nothing in the world that you must possess. Once you understand this idea, it would be easier for you to go through life when people around you don't want you anymore, or when you lose what/whom you love most.

3. Life is short. When you waste your life today, tomorrow you would find that life is leaving you. The earlier you treasure your life, the better you enjoy life.

4. Love is but a transient feeling, and this feeling would fade with time and with one's mood. If your so called loved one leaves you, be patient, time will wash away your aches and sadness. Don't over exaggerate the beauty and sweetness of love, and don't over exaggerate the sadness of falling out of love.

5. A lot of successful people did not receive a good education, that does not mean that you can be successful by not studying hard! Whatever knowledge you gain is your weapon in life. One can go from rags to riches, but one has to start from some rags!

6. I do not expect you to financially support me when I am old, neither would I financially support you for whole life. My responsibility as a supporter ends when you are grown up. After that, you decide whether you want to travel in a public transport or in your limousine, whether rich or poor.

7. You honour your words, but don't expect others to do so. You can be good to people, but don't expect people to be good to you. If you don't understand this, you would end up with unnecessary troubles.

8. There are people who have bought lotteries for umpteen years, but never strike any prize. That shows if you want to be rich, you have to work hard! There is no free lunch!

9. No matter how much time I have with you, let's treasure the time we have together. We do not know if we would meet again in our next life.



Your Dad